Bringing it back, bay-bay

Oh hello it has been a while hasn’t it? But I’m back writing musings, leaning into that good kind of healing and throwing my thoughts into the void in order to feel some sort of release, which really does happen. I’ve also brought back my podcast project Yes We Cannabis: A Journey into Medical Marijuana and I’m pretty chuffed with my latest episode. This post is the transcript for said episode for anyone who wishes to read vs listen. Thank you for being here.

Episode 5: My journey into Medical Marijuana

Sometimes life throws you into the roughest of storms and taking a step back to hermit is the only way to get to calmer waters. I am finally at the point of finding my footing after a lot of big change. I started my apprenticeship with the local union UFCW 3000 at the end of September which was always going to be its own sort of challenge due to some of my past experiences, which I will get into later. At the same time the plumbing in our house decided it had had enough and my room flooded (for the third time living in the house) which caused an unexpected move which is always going to wreak havoc on the nervous system. Oh, I've also had to deal with two really rough staph infections on top of everything this last month, I seem to be prone to them these days, and if you have ever experienced a gnarly staph infection you know it isn't something you wish on your worst of foes. I am now finally settling into a routine with my job, feeling nested in a wonderful new space and finding my way back to a sense of ease, something cannabis has had a big hand in. I am grateful to be where I am now, but the physical, emotional and mental ride the month took me on was somehow more chaotic than anything else that has happened in the last year, which is really saying something. And no matter what, change, even good change, can be a lot on the nervous system--something my other neurodivergent buds out there will know very well. This past month has taken its toll on my body for sure, and I'd especially like to throw a big thank you out there for my community for the support and understanding, my partner Zach for being literally the best cheerleader I could ever ask for and cannabis for helping me get through the toughest moments. I've been wanting to get back to Yes We Cannabis, or as my friend Tiffany says, my weed podcast, for weeks now, but the timing was never quite right--but inspiration hit a couple days ago and once the wheels get turning there is no stopping the creative train, baybay. Which leads me to the topic of this episode! I think it's time we talk about medicinal cannabis and mental health. 

Ok, to start I need to throw a disclaimer out there immediately. Both of these topics are not heavily researched at the moment; Cannabis, because of the systematic socio-political issues that it faces, and mental health because of similar problems paired with the fact that we are only recently starting to understand the functionality of the brain on a biological level, and this includes our mental health. Historically, people have just been thrown into Asylums, lunatic, mental, the like and for a long time, people who suffered and continue to suffer from mental health have not had the resources needed to face their realities. I think it would be safe to say our current understanding of mental illness has only recently come to fruition. Within my own lifetime I have seen leaps and bounds being made, something I have personally been, and will forever be, grateful for. And something that is definitely late to the party is research on how cannabis affects our mental health. Because of the lack of quote ‘credible’ research out there, I do want to state that this episode is informed by my personal experience and understanding of this medicine that has led me to truly feel that the medicinal effects of cannabis help my depression and anxiety, but we still are fighting stigmas that even keep it from being a viable reason to get a medical cannabis card, which creates barriers in its own way. But nonetheless, most of my community that uses cannabis medically does so in the ways I do, to find sustainability in the day to day while having to regulate our nervous systems. And, as a deeply neurospicy person, I can actively say that the last month would have felt perhaps impossible if it weren’t for that sweet sweet herbal medicine. All that being said, I want to make sure it is known that I am going to be talking about my personal experience with cannabis and knowledge as a medical consultant which has influenced my understanding of the plant. 

I do want to start by bringing some cold hard facts y’all’s way, I think it is important to lay the foundation for my personal understandings and experiences on a scientific level. This episode is going to be more of an op-ed piece, which is new to this project, and it is going to probably jump about a bit, but I still want to make sure I stay rooted in as much research and facts as I can. 

If you have been with me on this journey from episode one, you will probably remember some bits and bobs about the Endocannabinoid system (EDS)–which is a system that runs all through our body, almost in tandem, to our nervous system. And to freshen our memory, the EDS is a system of endocannabinoid neurotransmitters that bind to cannabinoid receptors that exist on almost every part of our internal systems, i.e. organs, bones, immune system, all that jazz. This system helps our natural cannabinoids, Anandamide (AEA) and 2-AG being two of the most widely researched, travel through our body and latch onto the cannabinoid receptors found all over our internal system to help us maintain our stress levels (important to note for later, our natural cannabinoids help us regulate our stress levels). Now, there are two kinds of cannabinoid receptors in our body, CB1 and CB2, both of which are found throughout the entire EDS system. CB1 receptors are primarily found in our brain and central nervous system and CB2 on our peripheral organs (organs not directly related to the nervous system). These receptors allow cannabinoids in our body to bind to them which allows the nervous system to distribute them accordingly to all the different parts of our body. Now, like our body, the cannabis plant ALSO produces natural cannabinoids–THC, CBD, CBC etc. If you would like to deep dive into those please feel free to go back and listen to episode 2 of this show, which is all about cannabinoids and the most common cannabinoids found in cannabis! When we ingest cannabis, smoke it, eat it, use it topically, the cannabinoids present in the plant find these receptors in our brain, organs, bones, etc and slot themselves into our EDS. These cannabinoids then act together with our EDS to help provide therapeutic relief for the parts of our body that need it. Along with cannabinoids, you will also find a blend of different terpenes found in the plant, which are naturally occurring compounds that are found in so many parts of our natural world and help provide therapeutic effects when they interact with our body–some great examples would be pinene, which is also found in, you guessed it, pine trees, which is great for mental focus as well as our bronchial system. Linalool is another you might hear me talk about often, which is found in abundance in lavender which is a sedative, anxiety reducing terpene. If you would like a deep dive into terpenes, you can head back and listen to episode 3 of our show. I get into where terpenes are often found and how they help us! Alright, yes this was a lot of information to dump quickly but I wanted to make sure we had a good foundational understanding of how cannabis interacts with our body before diving into the topic of mental health. But for the sake of everyone, I will pare it down even more. When we ingest cannabis, the natural cannabinoids and terpenes found in the plant travel through our body along the endocannabinoid system and find the right receptors to slot into so the perfect therapeutic effect can settle in and provide relief where it is needed. There are so many different cannabis strains with specific combinations of both cannabinoids and terpenes that help provide specific effects that are desired. For example, if you want to really wind down for the night and get that good kind of rest, a heavy indica strain with high levels of myrcene, caryophyllene and linalool would be ideal. If you want a wakey strain, keep your eye out for perhaps a sativa dominant strain with high levels of limonene. The choices are endless. 

Cool cool, I feel pretty steady on this foundation to start moving into the topic of this episode, which is mental health and cannabis. To begin, I want to mention a context warning, and perhaps a trigger warning for those who need it – I am going to be talking about my depression and ADHD in this episode, I won’t go into too much specific detail in regards to extremes, but I know it can be a hard topic to sit in sometimes and if you need to skip this episode because of it, please do. Take care of yourself, first. As mentioned before, a lot of what I am going to talk about in regards to how cannabis, potentially, affects mental health comes from a blend of scientific research and my personal experience and understanding of the plant, which I note is entirely my own. We can call it an intuitive understanding, if you will. But for the sake of credibility and legalities, I do have to throw a stamp of acknowledgement in there that I am not a doctor, only a licensed medical cannabis consultant, so take that as you will. Now let’s get into it, shall we. My personal cannabis journey is deeply related to my mental health journey. And in order for me to do the herb justice we need to get into some backstory. 

I have Major Depressive Disorder and ADHD. Major Depressive Disorder, also known as clinical depression, is a disorder that makes it difficult for my body to make enough serotonin and dopamine for my brain that is needed to keep day to day functions sustainable and my mood elevated. Ultimately, I feel a sense of heaviness and sadness often that makes it hard to muster the energy and capacity to show up consistently as a ‘normal functioning’ human. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, also known as ADHD, on the other hand is a developmental disorder that makes it difficult for my brain, on a chemical level, to focus. This can include focusing on tasks that are in front of me or that need to get done, conversations can be difficult to follow if my mind is occupied by something that my brain doesn't want to ignore, and definitely makes it difficult to stick to any sort of set schedule. ADHD is a more recent discovery on my end, but I have always known I probably had some sort of depression because one, it runs in my family and two, when I was younger I used to feel a lot of shame for feeling so sad when I had so many privileges others did not. And sometimes the devil in me would secretly wish something horrible would happen in my life so I had a reason to feel that way. Looking back now, I can firmly recognize that as younger me just trying to make sense of a chemical imbalance. I was living what I thought was a ‘normal’ experience so for a long time I didn’t realize the routines and patterns that I had created to help me sustain having to even simply exist were all heavily influenced by my very real mental illness, or neurodivergence. I could get into the weeds when it comes to the pandora box of mental health, but that can be for another day at another time, but I think it is important to have an understanding of how these disorders can affect a person's life. 

Now cannabis and me.  Cannabis, on the other hand, was something I started exploring about three years ago. I always knew I would find my way to it when the time was right, and the time was right in 2021. We were all deep in the first year of the pandemic and I was starting to embrace new wants and desires, which included trying cannabis. And once I tried it, the rest was history. There are oh so many reasons I love cannabis, and one of the biggest contributing factors to that love is how it has helped me deconstruct my mental health, which has had to be one of my main focuses this past year due to the mental health crisis I experienced last October. And I feel it is time to talk about it. 

As I have said in the past, I don't believe it is possible to talk about cannabis without acknowledging its history which is inherently political and rooted in systematic issues. I feel the same way about mental health. Unfortunately, mental issues have been stigmatized in their own ways and face an uphill battle as well, one that is inherently embedded in our culture's sociological structure that affects our everyday lives even if we aren't aware of it.  And with that, I think it is important that we recognize and validate that the last four years haven’t been kind to us as a collective. We haven’t been able to collectively grieve and recognize the trauma that we all endured as a humanity when we were thrown into a quarantine while we watched unprecedented events occur over and over again from our phones. We haven’t been given the opportunity to trauma bond as a society in a way that is actually cathartic, it has only led to what feels like more isolation. And when you are forced to continue life as normal even though normal doesn't exist anymore, the road to burnout is a slippery slope. Another huge contributing factor, in my opinion, which I also believe is important to put on the table, is how complacent late stage capitalism has become. Despite the threat of a global pandemic ever looming, many companies were still making record breaking profits and if there is one thing capitalism breeds it is the insatiable hunger for more money. And the easiest way to make more money, if you are in business, is to cut costs, which often falls on the neck of their employees. And this is where my story slots in. In 2022, I returned to the serving job I had been working prior to April of 2020, which was as a server in a coursed restaurant located in the corporate cafe on the Microsoft Campus in Redmond, WA. The job had been exactly what I needed while I was pursuing my performance career, pre-pandemic, but things felt entirely different when I returned. People were more stressed than ever, the greed Microsoft breeds was at a new level of extreme and the company I worked for (Compass group, the food vendor for Microsoft) was following suit. Over the course of the year I watched both companies lay off hundreds and thousands of workers, while at the same time publically claiming to be doing better than ever economically.  For example, Microsoft pushed to purchase Activision Blizzard in 2023 for $75.4 billion (that is billion with a B) while at the same time laying off over 10,000 of their own employees during the negotiations claiming they needed to 'cut costs' and once the purchase was solidified, they proceeded to lay off over 1900 activision blizzard employees.  That same year, they closed four Bethesda studios (another company they had overtaken), costing hundreds of more workers their jobs.  I want to also note that the EU tried to block the purchase because they knew it would create a monopoly in the video game industry which in turn required Microsoft to get congressional approval to go through with the deal because it did, indeed, create a monopoly in the video game world, which is the most profitable of the tech industries.  This is just one instance of fiscal priorities being skewed, Microsoft is one of the largest companies in the world, they aren't hurting profit. My employer, Compass group, was doing the same, claiming record breaking profits but they would always forget to disclose the number of workers they laid off in order to keep funneling money to the top. People were fearing for their jobs and in turn livelihoods, every conversation I was having at work with employees, both Microsoft and Compass, seemed rooted in worry and despite the cries for help, the workers were not being listened to. People were being pushed to new limits and I was watching my coworkers burn out before they even began their day. This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to reasons both Compass Group and Microsoft are big bads in my book, a topic for another day, but I can say now that I have seen the underbelly of the beast there is no going back for me. And when an opportunity to help my coworkers came literally knocking on my door in June of 2023 in the form of union organizers, I immediately knew I had to jump into the fire. 

At the beginning of October last year, I fell into the worst mental health crisis I have experienced. I had been pushed to my limits in so many parts of my life–I was in the midst of unionizing my job while also having to continue WORKING that job which was traumatic on its own and when you throw the pressures of unionizing on top of it, it’s a true shitshow. I was working what felt like a job on top of my job for months which also came with an emotional and mental stress like I hadn’t quite known, and once management and corporate got wind that I was involved, the micromanaging and turncoat energy when I was at work was almost unbearable. And if you have had any experience unionizing a workplace, you will be familiar with the lengths those in charge will go to in order to stop their workers from practicing their legal right of unionizing (most of which are illegal I do want to point out. We can get into the inner workings of unions another time). While this was happening at work (and after work) I was also having to deal with removing a very emotionally abusive narcissist out of our communal home, which was inherently a very dysregulating experience– especially when I had considered this person a friend and suddenly the safe space I called home was steeped in an almost volatile energy. If you have ever had to remove a narcissist from your life, you will know how emotionally taxing and damaging the experience can be, especially when that person is using the known nervous system triggers you have when trying to get a rise out of you which is an empathetic neurodivergent person's nightmare, one that is not uncommon unfortunately, it’s easy for not nice folks to take advantage of kind people. The chaos cocktail that was my life paired with my own personal neurodivergency pushed me to the edge and I burned out, mentally, physically and emotionally. I was pushed to leave my job on the Microsoft Campus in the midst of unionizing (I made it to ratification at least) by a combo of both lack of boundaries set on my end but also by the ones that I had communicated not being respected by many avenues, which is a recovering people pleaser nightmare. The emotional stress was taking a toll on my mental health and in turn my physical health and it eventually led me to a place where I truly didn’t know how I was going to be able to live another 30+ years feeling the way I did, physically, emotionally, mentally, which is something I had never said out loud to another person until then, even if I had had brief moments of the thought through the years. But I will also recognize despite the hardship, it was also one of the best years of my life. I was finding my footing in the first year of my current relationship, which has changed my life in the most incredible ways, my best friend of 15 years moved to Seattle and better yet, into my HOUSE. Summer was fucking gorgeous, and even if it was challenging beyond words, I found my place in fighting for worker and human rights, a place I can channel my energy and passion into, where it can truly make a difference–a new kind of calling, really. The first half of the year, great, fab, wonderful–the second half, chaos, painful, murky. A perfect example of how two truths can be held at once. I found myself in a situation where my mental, physical and emotional well-being as pushed to an unhealthy place and it’s been a year of regular therapy (internal family systems to be specific), finding the perfect cocktail of pharmaceuticals (Wellbutrin, twice a day, gabapentin for emergencies), a lot of exhausting and painful nights of tears that eventually started to become more cathartic and relieving that terrifying, journaling until my hand hurt, pairing my life down to simplicity and predictability, something my nervous system needs right now, and deep communal healing. Oh, and weed. A lot of weed. I also want to acknowledge that I am incredibly fortunate to have a really wonderful support system and was able to take a couple months off to recover, which is a deep privilege that I see and acknowledge, and I was able to recover to the point of getting back to work, because we always have to get back to work– which led to eventually exploring the cannabis industry which is how I ended up, here.  So I do have to show gratitude, and I want to.

It’s been a really difficult year, in all avenues of my world. The road to healing from a mental health crisis is long, unrelenting and uncharted but it is doable, even when it feels like the opposite. There have been moments when I have been in the deep spirals, sitting in those neuropathways of shame that have been so deeply embedded into my brain, the pathways that are easiest for my mind to take in the stressful moments. And those hard moments felt hard. A different kind of hard than I’ve experienced before. The kind where existential dread is always just on the other side of that pathway, behind a door that is far too easy to open and you have to do everything in your power to not answer when the dread comes knocking. 

Speaking of existentialism, let's get back to weed. When I first explored cannabis in 2021, I was pretty quick to discover why it is considered medicinal in the community. On the surface, it makes you feel great. And that’s just it, it makes you feel great. It helps relax your muscles, ease your mind, let go of the stressors from the day, and provide relief for the pain that won’t quite go away. It also helps you find your belly laughs again, highlighting the joy of little moments–the places where you can find the most sustainable kind of joy, something my depression makes hard to do. It helps me rest, which is not something I have been accustomed to. And trust me, you might think you know rest, but if you are a high functioning and performing neurodivergent depressed girlie and you finally experience what it can actually be like to REST rest, you might realize we have been damn bamboozled when it comes to understanding what is important in life. And I can say, for me, the process of identifying wounds, ripping them open and facing the feelings that have been buried for years is a lot easier when I have a tool to help calm my nervous system down on a physical level, allowing me to consciously focus on healing my mental wound. Healing mental health is a different kind of tiring, it requires the willingness to sit into what might sometimes feel like mental anguish in order to start healing the neuropathway that is so embedded it stings like wrestling with the thorniest blackberry bush. But let’s not forget, our brain is responsible for our entire nervous system–you know, that system that keeps us literally alive. And when your brain is exhausted from having to face that pain in order to heal, the rest of your body feels it. But you still have to go to work, you still have to make money to pay the bills and pay the rent because if you lose your home you could be arrested for being unhoused in some states. Yes, in this country, those stakes are pretty high, huh? And when you have to live in those kinds of stakes day in and day out, your nervous system is pretty easy to trick into fight or flight which is a really hard place to be when you have a mental illness. Because fight or flight can trigger some of the biggest episodes of depression, anxiety, mania you might be capable of feeling. Knowing what my body is capable of, mentally and emotionally specifically, can make the seemingly easy tasks to outside eyes much more daunting. Which is why sometimes I have to pull out all the tools I have in those moments. And the one of the things that helps me most in those moments is cannabis. 

This is why they say healing is cyclical, huh? In order to heal you have to face the pain and in order to face the pain you have to feel the feelings but in order to feel the feelings you have to understand why you have them and where they come from, which then requires you to start learning how to regulate your nervous system so you can teach yourself to notice when that damaging thought cycle begins and in turn learn how to regulate your system through the process of healing those neuropathways and narratives. And this cycle is just inherently exhausting, but we don’t live in a society that takes invisible struggles into consideration when setting expectations, especially when it comes to day to day existence. We have to keep on trudging ahead in order to live. There is very little empathy or understanding in what we call our ‘normal’ experience, which is systematically flawed itself. And if you are someone who has the kind of neurodivergence that makes it just that much harder to operate in the ‘normal’, keeping up is a constant uphill battle. I had been keeping a really strong mask going for a long while, a belief system and identity that I was comfortable in, but there’s nothing quite like a mental health crisis that will tear every aspect of that projected identity down and highlight all the parts of yourself that you have ignored, which often are the hardest to face. These days I can barely mask, it’s exhausting and feels really uncomfortable, but I have to save my capacity for the moments that require it–such as doing uncomfortable things at work. And within that has its own struggles, because once you unmask, it feels incredibly uncomfortable and inauthentic to have to put it back on, which can be a huge contributing factor to why having to fit into a ‘normal’ can sometimes be the most challenging task of all. Especially when you really start to like who you are deep down behind those identities that kept your nervous system safe for so long. Getting to know your authentic self on a personal level is one of the most grief ridden, exhilarating, bittersweet and rewarding experiences we can face, I think. For that is where our joy really lies, in getting to live the life we want as the person we deep down know we are.

I can sit here, right now in this room and recognize that I have come a long fucking way from where I was last year. I’m still knee deep in the healing process, right now it feels like trudging through mud, but my stamina is improving. And one of the biggest contributors to that is cannabis. It’s a beautiful tool to have in my box, it helps me regulate and sometimes force my body and nervous system to rest and a good smoke and edible allows the breathing room for me to sit and do the work needed for my mental health.  For instance, one of the things that comes along with unmasking is the acknowledgment of chronic pain in a very head on way. My body aches often and my ankles and feet are sometimes impossible to walk on. But a good indica is a perfect balm for the pain, perhaps a purple punch variety (and CBD, thank the good goddess for CBD). I think there can be quite a misconception around what it is to work on healing your mental health, especially when the physical chemistry of your brain is the thing driving the negative experiences. There is never an end to healing. My neurodivergency doesn’t go away, it’s just how my brain is programmed. My mix of depression and newly discovered ADHD (which is definitely a huge contributor to my depression) is a reflection of the blueprint of my mind. It’s just how I’m wired which makes certain things much harder to do in general, but tenfold when my mental health is struggling. And when you have to exist in a world where you are not the ‘neurotypical’, if there even is such a thing, it is inherently going to be harder. But that’s where cannabis comes in–if I am already prone to certain struggles because of my mental makeup I can use cannabis as the preventative medicine to help find a sustainability in life, which can often feel unattainable when your mind feels chaotic.

 Ok, ok, ok. I know, this has been a pretty upfront insight into the inner workings of my world, but what is life without a bit of vulnerability–drab, I’ll tell you, drab! Now, through all of this self discovery, therapy, personal work, meditation, resting, the lot–I started becoming a little student of my experiences. Last spring I had the opportunity to become a certified cannabis consultant as mentioned in my intro and that door opened up a very new world of understanding and in turn curiosity. Learning the way this plant that has been used medicinally for thousands and thousands of years actually interacts with our genetic makeup was the thing my ever curious brain needed to deep dive into, a curiosity that could fuel the fire of passion in my belly and help me heal.  The more I learn, the more intentional I can be in noticing how each cannabinoid affects me, how different terpenes interact with my chemistry to create a specific experience. And how the uplifting effects of limonene can be great as a pick me up on a mentally grinding day, helping push me through the chores at the end of the to do list. How pinene helps me focus in on one task for more than short spurts, keeping my adhd at bay and allowing important things to get done. How CBD helps relieve the stress my muscles have been carrying all day. How CBC adds a touch of euphoric bliss to the recipe, keeping energy uplifted. All from the CB1 receptors in my brain intercepting the different cannabinoids and terpenes in my body to help manage the mental and physical stress my neurodivergency has the ability to cause. And in turn, it helps me manage moving through the day to day as I learn to work with my brain, not against it. Cannabis allows my body to take the breaks it needs when life gets overwhelming, and recovering from a mental health crisis is indeed overwhelming. And I don’t think it is a huge leap to consider that maybe the natural cannabinoid receptors we have running along our nervous system are ready to receive the cannabinoids and terpenes we can introduce into our body using cannabis–which is abundant in both of those things–and in turn our endocannabinoid allows our nervous system to allocate those cannabinoids and terpenes to the parts of our body that need extra help with stress management and healing. Which would absolutely include our brain. Which would mean the therapeutic properties in cannabis can also help with our mental health and in turn mental illness. On a large, scientific scale it might be the beginnings of a theory, but I think I have some sturdy ground to walk on here. I’m a scientist at heart and I plan on testing this theory as often as I can. 420 blaze it baby. 

We are starting to see studies surfacing around cannabis and mental health, but it is still a new discussion, especially when both things come with stigmas that need changing–and the only way to do that is through educating and sharing experiences. This sect of the world holds its own interesting challenges, not only does it require people to open their minds on the surface at a personal and sociological level, it requires folks to be willing to believe the experiences people with extra neurospicy brains live. Just because you haven’t experienced something doesn’t negate it, it just means it might be time to deconstruct what is considered ‘real’ and ‘not real' within your belief system.  Because I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, my Depression and ADHD are very real to me. 

It’s really exciting to be witnessing the growth of a new knowledge, both within the cannabis and mental health worlds, and both have re-lit the fiery warmth of passion that sits in my soul, a fire I didn’t realize was going out. But I guess having to sustain in a culture that has the ability to drive us into the ground by co opting our strengths will do that to a kid. And even though it’s been the most challenging year of my life to date, it feels really fucking incredible to be sitting here and sharing my story with anyone who might be interested in listening. The amount of self discovery that can happen once you decide to start prioritizing your own wellbeing can be life changing, which is what has happened to me. So if you feel so inclined, and you are legally allowed or at least can safely do so, grab a joint or a gummy, sit your booty outside and give cannabis a try. You might realize you’ve been missing out some of the biggest joys life can bring you without even knowing it. And despite how hard it has been, I would do it all again and again.

These days I'm really trying to prioritize finding my work life balance.  Starting a new job during an extremely turbulent time has been so so daunting, but there is also deep relief in starting over.  I now get to consciously decide where to allocate my energy, where I need to set boundaries and how I want to use the time I get everyday to learn about life.  If you are still here, thank you so much for listening to my story.  I started this podcast to start sharing all the things I've learned about medical cannabis in hopes of helping others find an avenue of preventative care that could change their life like it has changed mine.  And if I have learned anything from being a union organizer, it's that sharing personal experiences and stories is the best way to connect with others.  Maybe someone feels seen today after listening to my word purge, and if so please know you are not alone and there are ways to start healing the parts of you that feel broken.  For me, that started with cannabis.  Maybe it could for you too.