the in-between
Healing isn’t linear, especially when it comes to your nervous system. When you are in the midst of heavy practice, building the new neuropathways we need our minds to follow, finding a way to detach from the voice in our heads that loves to cling onto the belief systems and narratives we were conditioned to live by can feel like standing in the eye of a hurricane. You know if you stay put right in the center, if you can find a way to stay grounded admit the chaos happening around you there is a world where you might not get swallowed by the anger of the storm. Sometimes the hurricane sits in a lower category, not too much to worry about but you might need to replace some lawn furniture. Other days you feel like you need to find a way to evacuate the area, try and avoid the storm all together. And then there comes days when the hurricane feels miles away, you might get some light rain here and there during the week —but hey! It’s good for the garden! Eventually the rain clears up and the sun shines lightly through the clouds and you can see all the beautiful new growth that seemed to pop up overnight, grateful for a deep watering from the sky.
Here’s the thing, once you see your garden starting to grow there is NOTHING you want more than to help speed the flowers along, help your strawberries ripen, pick every weed that grew alongside the other plants to make sure there is room for new growth. But tending to a garden takes time and as we know, mother nature always has a plan all her own and all we can do is embrace the days of rain as well as those warmed by the sun.
Healing isn’t linear. I find it’s more of a circle, wash rinse repeat almost. In order to heal we have to be willing to go through the highs and the lows all the same, accept that in order to feel the joy, we have to feel the grief. In order to build new neuropathways you have to show yourself how the old ones are lying to you, those stories and narratives do not define you. The pain their words cause come from a place of learned expectation, learned experience, external voices that think they know what is best for you. Those neuropathways taken over by an invasive vine, thorns keeping the wound from fully healing—but if there is one thing I learned during my time working with farmers and tending to mother earth, the best way to clear an invasive plant is to dig it out from the root. Some days you’ll realize you didn’t quite get all the plant, those thorns can bounce back when you least expect it but as long as you have a good pair of gloves and a sturdy pair of gardening sheers you can take care of most things on your own. These days I tend to take those gloves and shears with me everywhere I go, fitting them into my little tool belt snuggly so they are always ready to rumble when the moment arises.
Ok, I know I’ve been harping on about this garden and plant metaphor but what can I say, I love plants and I also love a metaphor—nonetheless I could get very swept away so I will bring it back. Healing isn’t linear. I never fully know when my nervous system might be triggered into some fight or flight response and try to send me back down that neuropathway that leads to a painful cycle of thought loops and projected expectations. But what I do know is that this journey of healing includes filling up my belt with as many possible tools as I might need to help fight the panic of hitting a pretty spicy pathway. The more options you have the more likely you are to be able to stop the spiral before it drags you into those depths that are hard to climb out of.
The last month has been a lot and in some ways I feel as if I am standing firmly in the eye of a hurricane that is swirling around me. I have had hard moments, but I can see the work I’ve been doing paying off. To be at a point in my mental health journey where I can actively step back and pinpoint the wounds that are at the root of emotions that swell makes me want to cry tears of joy and relief, which I usually do. Getting to watch my own growth through the most personal experiences has humbled me in ways I’m still trying to put into words. I am so beautifully grateful to be at a point where I look forward to my healing practices, I crave sitting with myself and my thoughts and moving through whatever emotion might be stuck in my body because the tools I have gathered are showing me the path to my healing which is simply my path back to deep, deep joy. And once you start getting glimpses back into that realm of joy it is easy to commit to doing whatever it takes to engulf your entire being in the sunshine.
Learning new skills takes practice and to be honest, I never really liked practicing. But I’ll tell you what, if you actually commit to it the progress you can see is always worth the work. And you know, I am dang proud of the work I have done, the work I am doing and will continue to do. I still have an endless amount to learn but man, getting to learn something new about YOURSELF is pretty fucking cool.
Healing isn’t linear, but it does happen. Keep on keepin, my friends. Take mental health days, eat your favorite foods, spend time with the people and critters who make you feel like a kiddo again. It is really hard to exist in this time on a daily basis when the future seems completely out of our control, but what a good excuse to just do what you want to do. Who knows what might happen tomorrow, I kind of have a loose idea but I’m usually VERY excited to see what might come my way.
Love y’all. Be well and buy yourself a little treat, you damn well deserve it.
